Words That Could Not Be Found
by AlteredFire
Summary: "Those last few words rang in Haru's ears like succulent nectar. The coldness in his palms along with the shivers that racked his body all wisped into air as a warm buzz circulated his blood" Angst and Fluff, with a pinch of Lust.
1. Chapter 1

_The terror in his eyes, the frozen still gaze that mirrored the sea's sins. _

The memory of Makoto's eyes on that day rushed cold into Haru's veins like iced water.

"Makoto!" His body was cold, still. Was he even breathing? "Anyone! Rei! Haruka?!"

For a moment, all his ears buzzed with was _panic_. The sounds of the sea, the chirping of crickets, all blacked out by the sheer intensity of Panic. If it wasn't for Panic that ruled his mind, the tears behind his lids would have surely slipped.

Haru tried one more time, lacing his fingers with Mako's closest hand and whispering low into his ear, "M-makoto?"

No response.

There was no response.

His ears immediately roamed the still body until they heard a sign of life, a weak pulse in the chest.

After hearing the faint throbbing, Haru got on his knees and positioned is mouth over Makoto's lifeless expression. He didn't care what he had to do, but he had to make that pulse _stronger. _

But before he could breathe life into him, Makoto had turned to the side, sputtered out any water that had remained in his lungs. Haru's lips brushed slightly on Makoto's cheek but he ignored the contact as a rush of relief overcame him, "Makoto!"

"Haru-ka?" Soft, emerald eyes came to focus on his panicked expression.

"Makoto! Are you okay?!"

Makoto still lay on his side, breathing unevenly, "Where are we?"

"P-probably Sukishima, the island facing the tents."

Makoto pulled himself up, groaning when a strange throbbing enveloped his head. And suddenly, he remembered Rei.

He started to get up, but Haruka pulled him down with a firm tug, "Don't worry about him!"

"But, Rei!"

Haruka's fingers wrapped tighter around Mako's wrist as he said, "Nagisa, he'll take care of him."

Haruka loosened his grip, only after he felt Makoto's muscles relax. When the first glimmer of rain hit his nose, he stood up and pulled themselves under a rigid shelter, "You need to rest." Makoto lips curved in a sad smile at Haruka's pampering.

They crouched under the small roof, backs against slick rock.

The blue haired swimmer solemnly looked between his feet before asking, "You're still afraid."

Makoto continued to smile, but he too looked between his feet as if trying to speculate every grain of sand, "I thought I was okay," he rubbed his feet together when a cold gust grazed them, "but then I saw him drowning." His fingers twitched in fright when he remembered Rei's face; gasping for air and screaming for help.

Haru didn't say anything but pulled closer to his friend, sharing what little warmth he had.

"Sorry." It was low whisper but Haru heard him just fine, "Sorry for getting you involved."

Why, why should he apologize? "It's not your fault."

"Yes it is." Haru listened patiently as Makoto spewed words of blame upon himself. "But, because I wanted to swim together with you again. I wanted to swim the relay with _everyone_ again." Makoto's eyes broke contact from the sand to face Haru's. His green eyes shone in passion and eager desire colored the emerald deeper, "but, without you," his body fell forward, nose inches away from touching his friend's, "If your not there… it's meaningless."

_"I want to swim with you" _

Those last few words rang in Haru's ears like succulent nectar. The coldness in his palms along with the shivers that racked his body all wisped into air as a warm buzz circulated his blood. He wanted to look away, break the contact that their eyes seemed fixed on having. But he couldn't, even as soft, firm lips pressed tightly against his crackled ones.

It was a brief encounter. If Haru had counted the seconds, it would have been three but his mind chose sixty.

His lips felt naked when Makoto pulled back a softened shine glowing from his eyes.

Haruka's eyes had widened and remained widened, "What…"

"You were going to do it anyways, right?" Makoto said, remembering from his fuzzy memory that Haruka had attempted to give him CPR.

Haruka looked away; cheeks slight flushed and grew annoyed when he realized that Makoto was somewhat conscious at that time. Other than the frustration and embarrassment, there was a feeling of disappointment.

Makoto had only kissed him _because _he was going to do it anyways, so that kiss… it meant nothing?

The green haired swimmer chuckled to himself as Haruka shook his head furiously as if trying pull the water out of his hair. He jerked back almost immediately when he felt something foreign touch his finger's though the sand grains. It was Makoto's fingers, barely touching his, "What… are you doing."

"Nothing," he whispered, "Nothing at all." And with that, he leaned closer and placed gentle kisses on his friend's soft cheeks.

He struggled. He really did. Haruka's hands roughly cupped Makoto's cheeks and pushed with all their might, "What are you doing!"

Makoto's fingers wrapped around the base of Haruka's arm and locked them against the slickened rocks.

Makoto was strong, a lot stronger than Haruka had expected. Of course, he was a swimmer! But the grasp on his arm was gentle, afraid to bruise him.

"Just listen," Makoto smile was replaced by a quivering line, "you can hate me later, and so just listen."

Haruka took in his friend's dimmed eyes, the fear in his voice and trembling of his lips as he said those words. He didn't have any confidence. This man he had known for years, since their childhood innocence to now, had no confidence.

"I love you. I've always loved you." Makoto smiled painfully, "Just know that I do and will always." He placed a gentle kiss on his friend's cheek. It was a departing kiss, one that whispered of the last.

Everything was happening… fast. One moment there was a full on kiss next there was confession and before he could even respond, Makoto had decided his own rejection. Haruka wobbled from side to side, confused, as Makoto pulled him up and towards a lighthouse, "We should look for a shelter."

Did it really _happen?_

Did the confession really happen? Were all those kisses given to him or were they a fragment of his imagination? Haru contemplated the issue as he sat down on the wooden floorboards.

"This place, Nagisa would have loved it." Makoto chuckled but immediately hid behind Haru when his voice echoed.

"It's just your echo."

"Still..."

This place was eerie, very eerie, but for the moment, all he felt was Makoto's naked back against his in the darkness. Haruka prodded his fingers over his lip and cheek and traced the kisses that were supposedly placed there. They tingled oddly.

"Makoto."

"Hmm?"

He had to ask, it felt too unreal, "Did you actually confess to me?"

The swimmer sputtered, choking on his spit, "Huh!?" Haruka could feel the muscles on Makoto's back tense, but they soon relaxed, "Haruka, I love you. It's okay, I don't expect you to return th-"

"Why don't you," Haruka pulled his knees to his upper chest, trying to control the dull pain scathing him there, "ever listen to me." He hissed softly when he realized that he was the on the verge of tears, "You're so… stupid."

"H-haruka? Are you crying?"

"Shut up and listen!" Haruka's stiff voice resounded throughout the stale woods, threatening to break their fragile foundations, "Just listen… because… I think..." A soft blush threatened to overthrow his cool composure. He was glad it was dark.

His back was met by a brush of cool air as Makoto pulled away to lean forward, "Haruka, don't force yourself," His voice was unusually defined, hardened, "don't just say it because I _want _to hear it. You're only hurting both of us."

If only he was good with words, then maybe he could get through that thick skull of his!

Well, if words were no match…

I felt my back hit the floor, sharp pain revolving from my prominent shoulder blades as I hit the ground. Foreign hand's pushed onto my chest and soon I felt a body on my lower torso, the sudden weight making it difficult for me to inhale.

"Makoto, I l-like you."

Haruka, Haruka was sitting on top of me! If there was a strong light, I would have done something indecent, not able to hold myself back.

"Haruka, please get off." He was being unreasonable, of course he was. His love is different from mine. The reason he's confessing now is because he has a strong bond of friendship with me, one that he's afraid to break. My love is disgusting. I want to hold him, ravish him, in ways that one would not expect from me. If only he knew my dirty, disgusting thoughts, then only would he stop saying such things.

The clouds covering the fragmented moon cleared; the rain ever present. Its light brightened Haruka's skin, the complexion made paler. I clenched my teeth and looked aside. I can't. I shouldn't go this low. "Haruka, please."

"No." it was almost a whimper, a stubborn one. More of the moon's translucent light spilled from the naked windows, highlighting his watery eyes. Tears pooled to the bottom and dripped down his lashes when he closed his lids.

He looked so pitiful like this. Why was he crying? I sat up in concern. Holding back my urges, I cradled him up against the wall, him still on my lap. I brought my hand up to his cheek and brushed off any falling tears, "Shh," I pressed my forehead against his, my lips curving up habitually in reassurance, "Don't cry."

He tried hard to control his voice from breaking, "For *hic* o-once l-listen to me. L-like you," He sloppily kissed me, missing half his target, "I don't know how to… show you."

His eyes were lowered, occasionally dripping with a tear or two. Even for me, he's usually hard to read, but right now, he's showing his vulnerability, trying so hard to make convince _me. _So I whispered, cooing and cradling, "Haruka, whatever happens today, don't regret it tomorrow." I kissed back, my hand holding his left shoulder to steady him. Really, what was I hoping for?

This felt like a dream, was I taking advantage of him? I pulled back. His eyes were averted, a heavy blush dancing on his cheeks, "K-keep going." He pushed on the back of my neck, pulling me forward.

I smiled, "Yeah," and pulling him closer, gently sucking on his upper lip, softening his crackled skin with my saliva. His lips were pursed tight, trembling. I wedged between the lips with my thumb, prying them open. When he loosened, my tongue greedily swiped across his slick teeth, "Let me in."

What am I doing? I don't know. I didn't know, even as I opening up to him, his tongue clashing with mine. It stretched within my mouth, trying to cling the inside of my cheeks.

I wanted more, I needed more. I sucked back, juices mingling and dripping down our chins. Swimming was my true love, so what am I doing? That question, I probably asked it more than a hundred times as I listened to the soft, wet noises we made under the moon that spotlighted us. Finally, he pulled back with a hearty plop. If Makoto hadn't lowered me against the wall, I would have fallen back and bashed my head. That's how limp my muscles had grown.

Makoto's chest was falling up and down rapidly, gasping for breath. W-was I also the same? "Haruka," his finger nails were digging into my trunk's waist line. When had they gotten there? ,"May I?"

Why did I nod?

Cold air shocked against my moist thighs as my treasured trunks were peeled away.

I didn't know what was going on or what I was doing, probably the tenth time I've asked myself that day. Everything was going fast, it was confusing and _scary_. But he seemed to understand. He rubbed circles into my skin, letting warmth rush into my quivering nerves. Then he looked up and smiled at me. The same smile he had been giving me for years but it suddenly seemed so much more beautiful, stunning, and special. Why did I miss it before?

My eyes widened in confusion when Makoto started nipped at my thighs, "That hurts." I wrapped my arms tighter around his neck and pulled him into my torso on impulse, "That- Ah!" I ground my teeth shut, my face heating up in embarrassment. I felt something wet press up against me. Lips? Lips?! My fingers jumbled in his hair, scratching at the scalp angrily, then in pleasure. His warm mouth engulfed me, rubbing me against the walls of his cheek and suckling me to the base and then pulled back to my tip. My exposed length twitched when the cold air hit the remains of Makoto's saliva. Cold, and freezing, then Makoto plunged back onto me, the contrast of hot melting me inside his mouth.

I refuse to whine, I refuse to open my mouth, and yet a breathy moan escapes. Makoto looks up from his endeavors, his eyes smiling as they meet mine.

"I-I ca-n't" My fingers pull tighter at his locks, my neck twisting from side to side as I seek freedom from my convulsing lower half.

"Go ahead," his whisper is soft and tickles my tip and once again he swallows me whole. This time, I felt myself rub up against the back of his throat. I pulled his cavern closer, digging closer into his milking warmth.

I heard a grunt from Makoto as I emptied in him. He stayed still, not daring to pull me out until I started to apologize, "S-sorry! Makoto a-a-re you ok?"

The moon carved his elegant face well, along with his moist lips, dripping with my sickly liquid. I rose to wipe his chin but paused when he swallowed. "Makoto! Spit it out!"

He chuckled heartily, "I want to taste Haru, more."

"Doesn't it taste… bad?"

Makoto nodded, "But it's yours, that's enough of an excuse." he rose from his seating and washed his mouth out with a bottle of water stocked in the lighthouse.

I watched him as he did so, and wondered, since when had he loved me. Since how long?

I was pushed out my trance as warm hands circled me. They pulled me to the floor and molded me to his body. Makoto's words came in gentle caresses, all whispered in my ear, "I love you."

Minutes passed and I stayed awake even through my drowsy state. He was asleep, his snores that ruffled the hair on my neck proved it.

_"I love you" _


	2. Chapter 2

I pulled my arms towards my chest and watched as the water pooled around them. This was an odd sensation. Not the water blanketing around me but its rush against my exposed thighs; I'm not wearing my trunks this morning. They reminded me of someone, and the way his fingers pulled them from my waist.

And the thought made my legs weak.

Yesterday Nagisa and Rei had given knowing looks after finding us in the morning, but I didn't speak about 'it', nor did Makoto. We didn't exactly do anything…. bad? I've been questioning myself since yesterday, pondering about what he did, what he wanted to say, and what he said.

Are we still friends? I feel as if I'm looking for something more than just friendship, almost as if I want to be his-

"Haru?"

Immediate and panicked I lunge forward and attempt to climb out the bathtub before Makoto arrives, but he's already there, smiling stupidly as if questioning my actions. I crawl back into the tub, curling up against the porcelain walls.

"Stay there" I order him

"Haru?" finally realizing, he starts to laugh, "you're not wearing your trunks?!" he clutches his stomach and leans against the entrance as support for his laughing fit. After a final chuckle, he sucks in a breath and leaves the room, only to return with a towel. I knew what was coming, and I was trapped. The tub cornered me on each side, squirming into a corner was my only escape.

I was acting weird, of course I was! It wasn't unusual for Makoto to dry me as he did almost every day. My arms circled tighter around my knees, burying them closer into my chest as the towel rubbed into my wet hair. His hands, I could feel then though the cloth and on my suddenly sensitive scalp. The same warm hands from yesterday prodding and massaging me.

There's almost a deep gurgle in my throat as I try squirm away from his touch. I pause when our eyes meet and blush inevitably.

I snatch to towel from him and start to roughly dry my hair, "I can do it myself!"

I hold the towel down, draped over my head. Something warm presses into my arm. I try not to shudder and shake it off but I do anyways, but the hand stays. It reaches underneath the towel and cups my cheek. I can't see him through the veil but from the shadow I know he's there, face to face with me.

He whispers my name and runs his finger back into my hair.

"Regrets," his hand retreats back to my cheek, "do you have any."

What was he asking?

I remembered something faintly from the night before: _don't regret this_

"No!" the towel falls into the tub, growing dark and heavy with water. I grasp onto his shoulders, my fingers digging into his skin. "No!"

I'd never regret it. Did he think I regretted it?

"I don't regret it! I don't!" Something wet runs down my face, hopefully it's water but it's salty taste says otherwise.

We were close, very close, our noses were near touching. I pull back but he's holding me in place. His finger's wiped away my tears and soon he's kissing them from my lids and lashes.

"Look at me" I don't want to, but I can't disobey the whimper in his voice. His eyes are solemn, waiting.

I inched my fingers to his face and tilted his head higher, "I don't regret it" my voice was queasy, a lump in my throat but I hugged him closer until I was sure he could feel my presence on his lips.

I pulled back, heaving slightly. Makoto stared blankly at me and then it seemed to come to him. His face turned red and he looked away. And then it came to me.

We look away from each other, weighed down by a dreaded silence accompanied with occasional drops of water from the loose taps.

"You know," said Makoto, a forming chuckle in his voice, "I love you."

After all those years, the longing desire and the love buried so long in our hearts finally came undone. And though he couldn't hear me, I'd like to think that he knew my answer.


End file.
